Ok… so Ive purposely stayed away from posting for some time, in part because I was never really good at posting consistently and in greater part because of my pride.
If you read my last post then you were pretty much caught up on my move from working in the music industry the NYC to working a bit closer to home as a nanny. My last post was so full of hope in my new position and that was only a month ago. And now? Well, I’m unemployed. Ouch, it hurts to admit that being 27. Believe it or not I was laid off from my nanny position on Thanksgiving. (Low blow I know, but honestly I believe it was for the best.) Things just didn’t quite work out as I expected.
Which is honestly how I wrapped up the entire year of 2104. Nothing quite worked out the way it was supposed to. I spent much of the year struggling with disappointment and battling depression within myself, having consistent panic attacks and doubting God at every turn. I went through some jarring life changes within my family, moving to a new house, and going from dream job to being unemployed. There was so much transition and safe to say, I didn’t handle it very well. There were months of just wrestling with God for some control over my life, even though I knew very well that the idea of me having control was a mere illusion.
So what do you do when nothing turns out the way you thought it would? What do you do when everything you have planned and worked so hard for just isn’t paving the way for anything? What do you do when the prophecy of “2014 is going to be your greatest year ever” doesn’t come to pass?
I began reading this devotional by Jon Bloom called Not By Sight (my friend Yodit swears it to be life-changing… I second that). I came to a devotional entitled Can You Bear Uncertainty? and it asked the question, “Can you bear not knowing how God is going to provide for your most urgent needs and still trust that He will?” Reading this I knew God was speaking directly to me.
Truth was, I couldn’t. If I were really honest with myself I didn’t trust that God would really come through for me which is why I was trying to gain so much control. And if I were to dig even deeper I would go as far as to say I didn’t trust that God loved me like He loved His other children because favor seemed to be upon everybody else but me. It took a long time for me to get to this point and realize my false perceptions of God and where my unbelief was stemming from. Not only that, but to humble myself before God and submit to His process.