Humbling Uncertainty

December 30, 2014

Photo Cred: Oliver Moriss http://trendland.com/olivier-moriss-double-exposure/olivier-moriss-double-exposure-6/
Photo Cred: Oliver Moriss Double Exposure
http://trendland.com/olivier-moriss-double-exposure/olivier-moriss-double-exposure-6/

Ok… so Ive purposely stayed away from posting for some time, in part because I was never really good at posting consistently and in greater part because of my pride.

If you read my last post then you were pretty much caught up on my move from working in the music industry the NYC to working a bit closer to home as a nanny. My last post was so full of hope in my new position and that was only a month ago. And now? Well, I’m unemployed. Ouch, it hurts to admit that being 27. Believe it or not I was laid off from my nanny position on Thanksgiving. (Low blow I know, but honestly I believe it was for the best.) Things just didn’t quite work out as I expected.

Which is honestly how I wrapped up the entire year of 2104. Nothing quite worked out the way it was supposed to. I spent much of the year struggling with disappointment and battling depression within myself, having consistent panic attacks and doubting God at every turn. I went through some jarring life changes within my family, moving to a new house, and going from dream job to being unemployed. There was so much transition and safe to say, I didn’t handle it very well. There were months of just wrestling with God for some control over my life, even though I knew very well that the idea of me having control was a mere illusion.

So what do you do when nothing turns out the way you thought it would? What do you do when everything you have planned and worked so hard for just isn’t paving the way for anything? What do you do when the prophecy of “2014 is going to be your greatest year ever” doesn’t come to pass?

I began reading this devotional by Jon Bloom called Not By Sight (my friend Yodit swears it to be life-changing… I second that). I came to a devotional entitled Can You Bear Uncertainty? and it asked the question, “Can you bear not knowing how God is going to provide for your most urgent needs and still trust that He will?” Reading this I knew God was speaking directly to me.

Truth was, I couldn’t. If I were really honest with myself I didn’t trust that God would really come through for me which is why I was trying to gain so much control. And if I were to dig even deeper I would go as far as to say I didn’t trust that God loved me like He loved His other children because favor seemed to be upon everybody else but me. It took a long time for me to get to this point and realize my false perceptions of God and where my unbelief was stemming from. Not only that, but to humble myself before God and submit to His process.

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Lessons of the Trade

November 17, 2014

So whenever someone I haven’t seen in a while sees me 9 times out of 10 they’re first question is… So how many jobs do you have now? That’s because ever since I was old enough to get working papers, I have pretty much worked just about everywhere, many times simultaneously. I’ve been a recreation counselor, cashier, waitress at multiple restaurants, bank teller, contractor’s assistant, kids cooking instructor… I could literally keep going on forever.

But now I can officially add nanny to the list!

That’s right, after having moved out of a job in New York, I have joined the world of nannying to 3 beautiful kiddies (a newborn, a 5 yr old and a 10 yr old)! I gotta say it’s something completely new to me and yet not so new. Growing up in such a large family, I’m no stranger to kids. One baby sister and 11 nieces and nephews… the fun never ends. And yet it’s still such a fresh and new experience for me. I find myself learning something new everyday…

1. I don’t want kids for a while. lol

Now don’t take this the wrong way. I love kids. I’ve always loved kids, and many a times people have heard me say “I WANT BABIES!” But the dream of having babies and the reality of becoming a mother are two different things. I’ve learned not to confuse the two. There is a joy in becoming a mother that I long to experience but being honest with myself, I’m just not ready for the responsibility that comes with it. It’s one thing to watch a child and then give it back to its rightful owner. It’s quite another to be fully invested, morning, noon, and night for the duration of a lifetime. I say this only because there is such a rush forced upon my life to be married and start a family and yet I’ve realized that I’m still young. There’s still so much to do and learn in the meantime. If nannying has taught me anything its that I’m not in a rush. It’s not something I am ready for and perhaps I never will be, but I know this… not me, not know. (Especially since I’m still very single. lol)

2. Kids are hilarious. 

My little kindergardener says the most hilarious things daily. For real I can’t stop laughing. I find myself needing to write down all the funny things she says just so I can remember them all. If that show Kids Says the Darndest Things was still on, this girl would definitely be on it. She keeps me on my toes and keeps the job fun.

3. Kids are sponges. Soaking wet, adorable sponges.

To have such an influence in a child’s life is extraordinary. Whether you’re a parent or a nanny, these kids watch your every moving, learning from your every word and action. (Monkey see, monkey do.) They crave your attention and most of all your leading. I’ve realized the effect that each individual has in a child’s life. God’s given us a place in  to be an influence of love, peace and righteousness to these kids through His Spirit. To be able to be that in someone else’s home is an honor in itself.

4. One day I’ll be a great mother. 

This is not to sound cocky, but to say that whether it is a matter of family or nannying, I have a heart for kids. To see them grow up, to encourage them and to simply love them. I can’t wait for the day when I have kids of my own, but until then I’m happy knowing that I’m learning a lot already.

So safe to say the new job is going well. Since the move from NY my stress levels have definitely gone down although I will need a back massage every now and again from carrying this baby all day lol.

So for all you nannies out there, I’ll leave you with some advice that a good friend gave me from all of her experience in the trade…

“Let kids be kids. Children are losing their innocence so fast these days. Climb on the monkey bars, swing on the swings and all that messy stuff. Let them get their hands dirty. Keep it simple and have fun.”

Leaving NYC

October 9, 2014

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Monday was my last day working in NYC. I came to the city last year right after the holidays to pursue my dream of working in the music industry. Definitely not an easy task and I was told multiple times by concerned elders. But my first opportunity out of college popped up at Warner Music Group, home of Atlantic records, Reprise Records, ADA and some of my favorite artists Needtobreathe, Ed Sheehan, Lianne Lehavas… A temporary position as a front desk receptionist. Great foot in the door.

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It’s been almost about a year since then. I have met so many great people there. People who have supported me and were willing to sit down for lunches and talks about how to get my resume looking classy. And just people to swap stories with. And I’ve worked side by side with people going after the same dream and experiencing the same real struggle. Interview after interview. Application after application. The entire process is daunting but still, the goal is to keep trying just to land the job. 

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Eventually I started to get really good at interviewing, so good that I didn’t Sony kept calling me back for more interviews to positions I didn’t even apply for. But I grew tired of interviews; and I don’t know if it was confidence in my interview abilities or a feeling of defeat form not landing a job, but I just stopped preparing for them. I stopped getting excited enough to practice my best answers to the top 20 most asked interview questions.  And that’s exactly how I went into my last interview… flippantly confident and unprepared. Perhaps a bit more unprepared for what I was getting myself into than I thought. 

The job on the table was a promotions assistant. Assistant to two really great bosses who specialize in getting songs AirPlay on top 40. They gave it to me pretty straight in the interview. They were looking for an assistant who would learn the ropes the ins and outs of promotion and then when my card gets pulled, they would ship u out to anywhere in the United States and I would become regional manager for radio promotion in that region. Are u willing to relocate? Ummmm… To be honest i had no idea how to answer. I mean, potential for regional manager in just two years with the prospect of making some serious dough? Can you say cha-Ching? But that would require of course a lot of arduous time and effort, not to mention going to shows late at night, shmoozing with professionals tip 1 in the morning and still having to be up at six in the morning to make the long commute back home. Do busses even run this late? It means late night calls, dinners and parties at night clubs. It’s a 24/7 job. Are u ok with that? 

You know that moment in the interview where you don’t really know what to do with yourself but you also can’t show the panic on your face because of course you both want and need a job? Yea, that was me. The projection of this life-changing job was just too much to be thrown at me in a matter of a fifteen minute interview. 

I left the room kind of in a panic. Here it was everything I wanted right here in front of me but why did I feel so uneasy? Did I really want this? 

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It’s funny when God answers your prayers and you find out that it really wasn’t what you wanted at all. It took some digging and soul searching to find out the real reason why I wanted this job so badly or to be in the music industry in itself. Security. It was the next logical step after college. The safest bet for an aspiring artist. It was a secure career. 

Yes it was all of those things. One thing it wasn’t… It wasn’t me. 

It wasn’t something I wanted after all. What I wanted was security. What I wanted was a title. What I wanted was to say to others Look at my job! I’m really doing something great with my life! I’m not a failure!  But what good is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul? What good is it to lay my security in a job instead of the hands of God and the purpose he set up for me. I honestly feel like my true calling is somewhere in ministry, even though at this point I don’t know in what way that is going to come about. 
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And so, I turned down the job opportunity (most people thought I was crazy for that) and looked for a new opportunity. Something closer to home. It took almost a year to figure it out, but I don’t regret it. I connected with some amazing people many of whom have blessed my life in ways I will never forget. And the simple fact is that God in all his faithfulness leaves nothing to waste. Everything, every connection, every hour spent, every wrong turn, every misled desire… He will use it to bring about his perfect purpose as long as we remain in Him. So in whatever this adventure was for me, whether a wrong turn or a moment of seasonal growth, God’s behind it and He will use it for His glory.

So until the next adventure… so long New York!

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